Why A Liberal Should Want To Share A Table With A Conservative (Like Me)
A look at the significant lost opportunities when the left gives up on the right.
Quick note to A.R., or Julius (I’m not sure the best way to address you. Julius seems the most natural, so I hope that’s ok.) We disagree on some things, but I sincerely appreciate the time you take to improve the world as you see it. Though I also agree with a number of things in your article, I’m going to cut to the chase on what I see as the most poignant things to add to this conversation. As your reach is far greater than mine, I’m not expecting a response from you. But I’m willing to discuss further if you are.
I encourage the rest of you to read Julius’ article for yourself, but by way of quick summary, he writes that it’s silly to bemoan a lack of civility when one side (the right) is actively trying to harm the other. He broadly labels the right as supremacists and bullies, while the left are humanists and the heroes of the marginalized.
It’s not only the right that he has a problem with. He portrays those “mourners of polarization” as “accomplices” in bullying and abuse. In fact, he implied that hearkening back to an age with greater civility was somehow probably motivated by a desire for other aspects of the past where there were fewer civil rights going around. (I’ll gladly update this post with nuance if pointed out, but this is the general message I get from reading.)
I am a Conservative. I’m also one of those “mourners of polarization”. This makes me the direct intersectional target of this rant, and therefore possibly among the most qualified to respond.
A sufficient attempt at a point-by-point defense against the dozens of accusations against Conservatives—claiming in so many words that we think gay people should cease to exist, for example—would take a book. However, that’s not my purpose here. I would like to give my take on why it’s not only in the interest of the left to connect with the right, but for precisely many of the reasons that Julius listed in his article. This can be far more effective in advancing your goals than fortifying the barriers between us or buying a louder bullhorn.
The best part of this is that you can connect in this way without giving up any of your principles, values, stances, or policies. I’m not asking you to compromise on anything. Talking with someone doesn’t mean agreeing with them.
In the end he posed the question to those calling for civility and connection: “Do you think we can’t see what you’re doing?”
I’m not sure he does. Allow me to respond honestly, with no hidden agendas. To begin, let me try to persuade you that it’s worth trying to engage with a Conservative.
Who are we talking about, exactly?
Don’t worry about the politicians and right-wing media figures. I understand if inviting them to your table (or being invited to theirs) makes you want to vomit. Civility with someone constantly calling you names on TV isn’t what I’m suggesting. You’ll want to pick a Conservative you know. Neighbor or coworker or something.
Julius seemed to collect all the worst attributes he could find on the right (highlighting only the best ones on his own side) and personified them into one hateful, merciless being. Does this person actually exist in your circles? Maybe they do. But among the hundreds of Conservatives that I know personally, at most a small handful of Facebook acquaintances could qualify for much of this imagery he has for us, if I’m being generous.
Keep in mind that there are not only differences between political ideologies, but also within them. Just because we’re on the right, for example, it doesn’t mean we are all fans of Alex Jones. To be fair, Julius did clarify that he is going more after the “spirit” of what we’re about, and doesn’t claim that every person under an umbrella shares all the same qualities.
A point I want to stress is that if you see nothing but hate in our actions, you probably need to get to know us better. Even if our policies truly are bad, 99% of the time our intentions are actually good. There is some path of logic (even if flawed) as to how this helps instead of hurts. This is important. If it’s more that you feel our reasoning needs some work rather than our soul is brimming with greed and hatred, this indicates that we are far more reachable than you may have thought.
Similarly, you want to keep in mind that you never truly know someone else’s intent. One of the quickest ways to close our ears and our minds is to assign motivations and thoughts to us that we know don’t apply. You’ll get more traction if the conversation sticks to how you perceive things, not your most pessimistic guess as to how we perceive them.
Some variation in what policies we support on the right versus the left could be described by a difference in how we view the world, or our best place in it. If a kid on a bike gets hit by a truck that speeds away, what do you do? You might run to help the child, get on the phone with 911, or even chase after the truck. You might fight for increased penalties for hit-and-run drivers or help educate kids about road safety. All of these roles help.
I’ve occasionally found it to be the case that two very different policies are the result of trying to solve the same problem in different ways. Now, this isn’t to try to explain away all our conflicts as inconsequential or to say that the left and right are two helpers on the same team. It’s not to try to swing you to the Conservative side or to distract you from important issues. It’s to try to inspire the idea that we might be able to be reasoned with after all. Thinking a situation is more dangerous than it actually is can pose a problem. Believing that we are far more different than we really are (and that the other side is far more evil) is where division crosses the line from healthy diversity of viewpoint to toxicity.
All this being said, maybe it is the worst-case scenario for a Conservative you know, and they are the villain you have imagined from the start. But instead of moving on to someone else, this could be even more reason to try to get through.
Meet Daryl Davis, the black man who visits KKK rallies. He helped over 200 KKK and neo-Nazi members leave these hateful groups by connecting with and even befriending them first. Isn’t this the best-case scenario? He drew the toxic ideology out of them, and then they took themselves out of the organization. Daryl defeated the racist, but saved the person. Even if you view us as one big hate group, isn’t winning us over a much more lasting victory than trying to beat us at the voting booth time after time?
Reasons Why
If you truly stand behind your ideology, it’s probably worth taking a break from preaching to the choir and a few on the fence, to go preach the good news to your friend in Republican territory. Learn how we tick and speak our language a little. Concerned at the Conservative media that we’re immersed in? Grab our attention and present your point of view. If you do this in a way that’s not ridiculing, you might get somewhere. And if not, at least you tried.
And it’s very much worth a try.
You may not be able to talk us down completely from a new policy idea that you see as severely harmful. But if you are able to get us to see things in a new light and we come halfway there, is that not a success for you and those you are championing?
In his article, Julius highlighted the recent tragic killing of Laura Ann Carleton, allegedly murdered over her flying of pride flags. I don’t post on many current events, but I did on this one. I share in Julius’ outrage and heartache. His point in doing so was that her killer may have been listening to right-wing media which had given him permission to do so. While this is a question worthy of discussion, I have another point to make that deserves sober consideration, another way to help.
I have no idea if this was the case with her killer, but when the walls have been built high between us and the cement has cured, both sides can feel fear, hopelessness, and desperation at the state of our country. This atmosphere could contribute to tipping someone over the edge, whether they are cold-blooded or mentally ill. Life imprisonment is likely the answer for Laura’s tragedy. As for the future, a meaningful connection to the other side gives us more tools and outlets to navigate the politics that affect us all, driving down our desperation.
Is our situation as desperate as it seems? You decide. From my own experience, when you have a solid connection with reasonable friends across the aisle, even if neither of you will budge on your political stances, the world with all its problems seems brighter.
And who knows, you might win us over on a policy, or even the ideology altogether. People change their minds all the time. Come, make your case.
While Julius and I could certainly unite on many things that would hopefully prevent senseless killings motivated by political viewpoint, this is one point where we differ. Julius sees this as the perfect justification to separate from Conservatives further, and I see that as very likely making this problem worse.
Consider joining us, a growing band of depolarizers from all sides of the political spectrum. Help us break these fences down. Don’t be the self-appointed gatekeeper to Common Ground, keeping us from clearly seeing the points where we already agree.
How To Get Through to a Conservative
You may be thinking, “Look. I’ve already tried. This doesn’t work.” Conservatives can admittedly be prickly at first contact when we feel attacked and defensive (human nature), which might leave you thinking that we’re all just stupid or evil. I used to think the same thing about the left. There is a method, though, that takes on these barriers and gets us to really open up and consider what you have to say. At first we might throw the book at you and your ideology much the way Julius did at the right in his article. But if you follow the process, there is a good chance we’ll come around.
It’s far too much to articulate in one article. I’m a dad, software engineer, occasional bass guitar player, and I’m trying to hit the mountain bike since I’m one holiday season away from having to buy a larger wardrobe. But after doing this wrong for half my life, I made a study of how I could get through to the other side. I studied and tested to see what worked and what didn’t. I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve got a lot to say and if some are willing to hear it, I’m willing to write it.
If I see enough interest on this topic I’ll commit to posting regular articles that lay it all out. (Then I’ll update this article and pretend that was the plan all along!) Subscribe to this Substack if this sounds interesting to you. I’ll lay out the method of how to get through to a Conservative as well as my journey that led me here. I’m sure a few Conservatives reading this are wondering if they should be alarmed, wondering why this self-professed Conservative says he is trying in good faith to get Liberals to recruit from his team.
The short answer is because you Liberals have something substantial to offer. You know you do, and I’ve seen it. No I haven’t flipped to your side of the aisle, but I’ve changed on some things and become more thoughtful on others. You think differently, and we need that. Even in a 100% Republican administration, my side still needs to hear from you.
You may be asking why I’m lecturing the left on coming to the table, and not the right. I’ve been working on that, too. I wrote a YA novel that teaches us how to truly listen to you. You can check out the reviews if you doubt my sincerity. I don’t care much who is first to the table. Non-polarization can be contagious, and we all could use some of it.
Julius, you wrote “If you want to be friends, why don’t you ever come sit with us? Why is the demand that we come sit with you instead?”
Though you’ve made it a little more difficult by blasting me for 10 pages with accusations taken too far, I’ll sit with you. I’ll go through those one by one. Not to humor you, but in genuine curiosity for your frame of mind, and in search of some common ground where we could possibly accomplish some of both our goals in a way that we could convince our sides to support. These issues are important, they affect real people as you well understand, and in my opinion this is an avenue worth looking into. Whether you feel we Conservatives deserve it or not, connecting in a more meaningful way could help those we’re fighting for.
I’ve made a habit to go to Liberal spaces and listen (sometimes when they think it’s only Liberals in the room). And no, we don’t have to be friends to understand each other better. But why not try for it? You don’t have to change your mind or position on anything, and you can keep whatever boundaries you feel are needed. But if we’re both here in good faith, unlikely friendships can still work.
A friend gives you the benefit of the doubt, hears you out, will take a walk in your shoes, and stands up for you when his friends talk trash behind your back. I want friends with the “humanist spirit”, and there are many ways that this connection can ultimately help you in your laudable goal to protect the rights and safety of all.
This is probably too early to get serious about friendship, though. Let’s just talk and see what happens.
You might slap this olive branch out of my hand. But dear liberal readers, please consider trying this out before throwing in the towel completely. Not for my sake or the right’s, but for yours and the country’s.
Julius, in response to the question you posed to me and other “mourners of polarization” at the end of your article: “Do you think we can’t see what you’re doing?”
Now, I hope, you can.
NOTE: Not to pile on too much, but wrote this compelling critique of Julius’ views and methods, but from a liberal perspective. Worth a read.